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6/12/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Zip your lip.

Jun12

This is another post inspired by Pastor Becky and is related to this post about discernment.

There are times when I feel compelled to share the truth with someone.  My compulsion to share may not be at all related to the other person’s need or readiness to know.  When that happens, I am often quite surprised that the other person reacts so negatively.  I can accuse them of defensiveness or irrational reactions, or I may think they can’t face the truth, or that they don’t like me or my words just because I don’t agree with them.  In fact, often they are just reacting to my delivery, or my timing, or my lack of understanding about the whole picture.  Over time, I have learned to listen more, watch for queues and practice a soft delivery.  When I speak truth, I try to do it in a way that would be welcome to my ears if I was on the receiving end.  I am a work in progress, but I have gotten better.

I have learned that sometimes the best truth I can share is none.  Sometimes I just need to zip my lip.  There is a time and a place for truth.  Just because I believe it to be truth, doesn’t mean that I should share it.

So today, my advice to you is to learn to zip your lip.

Ask, Seek, Knock.

It is important to ask what is going on in someone’s life (understand the “truth” from a different perspective, or at least with additional color), seek perspective from their point of view, knock on the doors of their heart.  And if they open the door, if they invite you in, your truth will not only be more credible, but more welcome.

This will be frustrating.  You will mess up.  Sometimes you won’t ever get to say what is on your mind.  All of those things are ok.

What is important is that you always respect the place the other person comes from.  Recognize that your truth is not going to be their truth, and that nobody likes to hear that they need to be fixed.  Relationships are more important than your opinions…and you have to know that your “truth” is actually just your opinion and it is no more or no less important than someone else’s.

If you find yourself wondering why people don’t want to listen to you, why they don’t like what you have to say, and sometimes don’t like you, ask yourself, “Should I just zip my lip?”  I think you will find that more often than not, the answer may be yes.

And yes, I recognize that you may think  that I need to practice this one some more.  And you are probably right.  Maybe we can work on it together.

A letter to my daughter on her graduation day…

Jun3

(This is shared with permission from the graduate.)

My beautiful precious Katie girl,

It seems like only yesterday that I was dropping you off on your first day of kindergarten. One of the moms said, “Well, this is it. We had our chance.” I cried all the way home, because you were growing up too fast. Little did I know that was just the beginning. (And by the way…that mom was a fruitcake. I had LOTS more opportunities to mess up after that!)

On this milestone day, know that I am so proud of you. Every day, I am in awe that I get the privilege of being your mom.

Do you remember when you learned to ride a bike without training wheels? I thought you would NEVER learn. And you were so stubborn. You just didn’t want to do it. You couldn’t get past your fear of falling down, and nothing I said could convince you that knowing how to ride a bike was worth a few bumps and scrapes. I begged, cajoled, and probably even yelled. I told you that learning to ride a bike was a necessary life skill and EVERYONE needs to learn it. I told you that you would be left out of lots of fun things. And like so many other things when you were that age, you just weren’t going to hear it.

Then one day, we put the bike in the car and went to the school. The intention was to use the parking lot as a wide open space. But the parking lot was too fast, and you were afraid. For some reason, we went onto the baseball diamond to try it on grass. You couldn’t get going on the grass, but the dirt provided just enough resistance that you were able to get some speed but not feel out of control. In no time, you were riding around the bases while I stood in the middle yelling and jumping up and down that you were DOING IT!!! I don’t know which one of us was more excited. What I learned that day is that you really wanted to learn to ride but fear was holding you back. You needed a soft place to land. The grass and dirt of that baseball diamond were more forgiving than the pavement and that soft place gave you all the courage you needed.

The stubbornness that you displayed about riding a bike was not atypical for you. From the day you were born, you knew what you wanted and you weren’t afraid to let the whole world know if you weren’t getting it. On the night you were born, you were screaming so much that the nurses insisted on taking you to the nursery so I could rest a little. I could hear you yelling all the way down the hall (so of course I didn’t rest). When they brought you back, they said, “This one is gonna be a lawyer. She has a lot to say. ” That didn’t end at infancy. Oh the tantrums you would throw in your toddler and preschool years! I’ve never seen such persistence. When I was completely at my wits end in those particularly headstrong days, I remember thinking, “That girl has balls. Nobody is going to mess with her.” Even though I wanted to refine that stubborn streak in you, I never wanted you to lose it, because I knew it would be that determination that would make you lead instead of follow. It would give you the courage to speak up. It would give you the strength to stand up for yourself. And if you could get past your fear, it would give you the stick to it-ness that would catapult you into a successful future.

Today, as you take ride off on another kind of journey, with your refined determination, this is my advice to you. It seems so inadequate, but it comes from my heart.

Take chances. Be willing to risk bumps and bruises to go after the things that you really want. When fear is holding you back, and you need an extra dose of courage, know that I will always be there cheering you on, and I will always give you a soft place to land. Stand up. Speak out. Try. Fail. Try again. Always remember who you are and where you came from. Love. Live. Fly.

I love you more than I could ever express. I will be the one in the audience who starts crying when I hear the first note of Pomp and Circumstance. They will be tears of pride and joy. Congratulations baby girl. Today is the first day of the best of your life. (And don’t worry. I’ll stop crying eventually…but maybe not until tomorrow.)

6/2/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Believe

Jun2

Faith really can move mountains.

A little over two years ago, my dear friend Kristen was given unimaginable news.  She was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon cancer that had spread to her liver.  It is hard for me to even imagine how she and her family processed this news.  As her friends, we were shocked, scared, stunned really.

This is Kristen today:
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Today, we celebrate her battle and her victory.  Friends and family joined her to walk in the area’s first 5K in support of colorectal cancer research and funding, “Get Your Rear in Gear”.  The team shirts say, “Rump Shakers – Never fear. We are here for Kristen’s rear.”

I don’t know how much you know about color cancer, but a stage IV diagnosis is about as bad of news as you can get.  To many, it is a death sentence.  But not Kristen.  I could tell you what the odds were.  Kristen doesn’t know this (until now) but I researched the odds.  I did what you aren’t supposed to do researched on the internet to try to determine her chances.  I cried my eyes out that day.  I was devastated.  I won’t mention the numbers I found because they didn’t mean anything to Kristen.  Numbers are just averages, and she isn’t average.  She was young, otherwise healthy and had the kind of faith that really can move a mountain.  She decided that she was going to kick cancer’s ass, and that is just what she did.  She had two MAJOR operations to remove the infected part of her colon and part of her liver, had setbacks with infection and healing, spent a combined several weeks in the hospital, and went through two separate rounds of chemo.   During that time, she never stopped smiling, never stopped believing.   The prevailing joke was that she made the whole “cancer” thing up for attention…that is how good she looked throughout.

She taught me that faith is everything.  Believing is everything.  The love and faith of family and friends is everything.  I’m no dummy.  I know there were times when she got discouraged and had doubts, but she had this massive contagious faith thing that she had spread to all the people around her.  That faith grew in all of us, and I hope there were times that our belief carried her when hers was feeling shaky.

Sometimes when things seem absolutely impossible, you just have to believe.  Believe in a truth that doesn’t make sense and defies conventional wisdom.  Believe in the faith that sustains you and believe that you can spread that faith around.  Miracles happen every day.  Not only is Kristen my hero, but she is a walking talking SMILING miracle, not just because she beat this terrible thing, but because she inspired us, made us believe, increased our faith…and that gift IS one of life’s miracles.
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6/1/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Make room for others.

Jun1

This post is inspired by a message delivered by the amazing Pastor Becky last Sunday…a message that I needed to hear.

Life is full of lots of roads.  There are the regular city roads, with just enough room (most of the time) for free flowing traffic in either direction.  There are super-highways with multiple lanes of speeding cars and there are the small winding roads and paths, the narrow ones with just enough room for one.

It is on the narrow paths that we really have to pay attention.  We have to take turns, look for ways to let others get by, and even lend a hand to get over a particularly bumpy, steep or difficult part.  It is on the small narrow paths, the ones that can seem treacherous and scary, that we learn to make room for others.  We can’t just speed through oblivious to who might be walking or riding beside us.  We have to pay attention, be mindful, share the space.

When  you find yourself on a narrow path, turn down the music and turn off the distractions and just pay attention.  Pay attention to the people around you.  See who needs help and who needs a little extra room.  Step aside to let someone pass.  Lend a hand to someone who needs a boost.  Look around to see the hand outstretched in help to you.  These paths are narrow, but they don’t need to be traveled alone.

When you are frustrated by the slowness, the bumpiness and the general difficulty of the narrow paths, ask God to give you the feet for the path.  Instead of impatiently asking for the path to be cleared, ask instead that you be equipped to handle it.  Because the narrow paths really do have the best views and you don’t want to miss out.  So make room for others, and enjoy the beauty together.

The last picture is taken on a path in Hocking Hills, OH.  This particular path is on the property where Mark and I got married.  It is a beautiful place.  And this particular path is the perfect metaphor for the paths that are best when shared.  The views have been pretty good so far!

5/31/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – It’s not a race.

May31

It’s not a race.

More and more, we treat life like a race, like a sprint to some imagined finish line.  We just want to get to the next thing, to be done, to get there.  When we don’t get that instant gratification, when things take longer than we would like, we get discouraged, and want to give up.

Life is not a race.  It is a journey.  Most of the good things happen between the milestones, between the start and the finish (whatever that may be).

When I walk in the Susan G. Komen 3Day for the Cure, the start is exciting and invigorating, designed to pump us up for the journey ahead.  The end is emotional, exhilarating, and is often an emotional highlight of my entire year.  It feels so incredible to finish something so hard.  But between the start and finish is the EXPERIENCE.  The pain of all those steps is a reminder of the battles that people fight every day.  The end wouldn’t be nearly as sweet if the middle wasn’t so hard.  If I treat it like a race, not only do I miss the good stuff, but I risk injury (trust me!) Long journeys  teach me that putting one foot in front of the other, ESPECIALLY when you don’t want to, result in the sweetest finishes.

Don’t get me wrong, beginnings and endings can be beautiful, heartbreaking and memorable.  But they aren’t the only thing.  When we focus on the finish, we lose sight of the now.  If we focus on death, we don’t live.  If we focus on being done, we miss the experience of doing.

So don’t forget the journey.  Don’t focus so much on the end, that you get discouraged or miss something.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Look around.  Slow down.  Eventually you will get there, richer for the experience.

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My new friend from Ireland climbed a mountain last weekend, and her post  had a comment that inspired this.  Someone else who had climbed this mountain was inspired by an old woman who noticed that she looked discouraged and said, “sure, you’ll make it. It’s not a race. You just put one foot in front of the other, and before you know it, you’re there.” (Thanks to Lois  for the inspiration!)

5/25/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters (and me) — Talk less, listen more.

May25

I am having a love/hate relationship with my blog right now.  So far, my blog has been about me sharing little nuggets, pieces of advice that I think are good life lessons for you girls.  But at the same time, I feel like this little blog is an example of me doing all the talking, and your voice isn’t being heard.

I feel a little like a phony, because I don’t’ always follow my own perfectly brilliant advice.  I feel a little sanctimonious for being inspired with such incredible insight (it IS incredible, right??), and worst of all, insecure.  When I post a blog, I watch the site stats obsessively to see how many people are “listening” to what I have to say and how many new followers I have.  The talking has become the thing, and it is making me feel unsettled, because I don’t necessarily like the me that I see through that lens. These feelings  also make me think that this blog is becoming more about me than you, and I don’t like that.

I actually started contemplating putting something completely controversial out there (politics, gay marriage) to stir things up, but I’m afraid I will be criticized, so I hold back saying some of the things that are stirring in me.  Despite my advice to you to conquer your fears, I am letting mine hold me back.  Fear is what makes me write a blog instead of the book that I have always said I wanted to write.

So even though this is me again…doing the talking, I have to tell you (again) that I don’t always get it right.  In fact, I get it wrong most of the time, and this advice comes to you from the knowledge I gained from that mistake, and from knowing there is a better way.  I’m scared to fall down.  I’m worried that I don’t lead by example.  And I’m terrified that you will look back on these years and tell people that you didn’t feel heard.

So today’s advice is for me, so that I will remember that I don’t have all the answers and I need to listen more.  I’m not perfect and that is ok.  Maybe it is even ok that I write a blog for you when I need the advice as much as you do.   I will keep writing because each post and each response plants another little seed of courage and maybe someday it will be enough for me to get serious with my dreams.  I will write because I think it will be interesting for us all to look back on this in 10 years and see how our perspectives have changed.  I will write because people seem to respond, and even though that response may make me a little too full of myself, it has also been a way to connect with people that I would never have connected with (Shout out Ellie!)  And when my ego gets too big, I can always count on you to give me a “You don’t understand.” Or even better, to tell me that you didn’t know I had a blog (sigh). That’ll teach me. 🙂

5/23/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Embrace the gray.

May23

The world will try to convince you that things are black and white.  Us vs. Them, Democrat vs. Republican, Christian vs. Non-christian, Straight vs. Gay, Right vs. Wrong.  You get the idea.

The truth is that there is so much between the two extremes.  When we define people into polarized categories, we focus only on the differences, the blackness and the whiteness, instead of all the gray in between.  That gray represents the things we have in common.  It represents our humanity.

Black and white is easy.  Black and white means you don’t have to think for yourself, you don’t have to wrestle with issues or deal with the humanity all around you.  Picking sides means that you miss out. You miss out on the merits of the people on the other side of the issue, and you miss the great big gray.  The gray is where you learn.  It is where you find common ground with people you thought you had nothing in common with.  It is where you learn compassion for the human condition and all of the things that make black and white not work.

So embrace the gray, and all the uncertainty that comes with it.  Doing so will unlock a rainbow of color in your life.

5/22/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Fall down a lot.

May22

I’m not suggesting that you become more clutzy, God knows we don’t need any help with that.

My friend, Stephanie has a little girl named Katie.  She reminds me so much of you when you are little, that I absolutely adore her.  I could just watch her all day.  When her mom asked her why she has so many bruises on her legs, she replied, “I fall down a lot.”  Hearing that story got me to thinking.

I know this little girl is FULL of life.  She runs around and dances and wrestles with her brother.  Her exuberance for life just makes me happy.  She falls down a lot.  Perhaps she is a little clutzy, but I think she falls down a lot because she is always DOING stuff.  You can’t fall down if you are sitting still.  You can’t fall down when life is passing you by.  You fall down a lot when you are LIVING.

Falling down a lot is about being willing to try and fail and get up again.  It is about going after what you want, living life to the fullest and not worrying about whether it will all work out perfectly.  Being willing to fall down a lot means you are going after things exuberantly and that you know that in order to succeed, you first have to try, and be willing to risk failure.  When failure comes, falling down a lot means that you get up again and again and again.  It is the “a lot” that makes it so cool, because it means that the first time you fell down, you tried again.

I hope that you fall down gently, but I also hope you fall down a lot.

5/21/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Screw up gracefully.

May21

Before you get all excited and think that I have just given you permission to screw up…hold your horses young lady.  All my other advice about doing good, leading by example still holds true.

But, when you screw up (and you WILL screw up), one of the most important things that you need to learn is how to recover grace-fully.  I’m not talking about the way you might jump up after fallling on your face when you tripped over some imaginary thing in the middle of the floor (after all, you ARE my daughters, so this is bound to happen).  Don’t get me wrong, that kind of recovery is also important.  Hint: jump up, look around and if nobody is looking, just go about your business and try not to limp.  If someone saw you, then you just have to laugh.  What else are you going to do?  I also highly recommend telling as many people as possible about your fall.  It makes for great conversation and makes you seem more human. (I’ve had lots of practice with this.)  But I digress…

As you grow up and move away from the safety of home, remember that it is always important for you to have an escape route.  Know your plan B and when you will execute it.  What I am really talking about is learning to recognize that you have made a mistake and learning to recover without digging a deeper hole.  You see, we are human and we have a really hard time admitting when we are wrong.  Sometimes we become so committed to our mistake that we can’t see our way out.  We throw good money after bad, both literally and figuratively.  So stop the madness.  Know that it is ok to be wrong.  It is ok to screw up.  Admit it, plan your escape, apologize and move on.  Give yourself grace.  Recover grace-fully.

Most important, never ever forget to apologize to those who your mistake has hurt.  A genuine apology can right a whole lot of wrongs. Giving grace, accepting grace…recovering grace-fully.

Remember that mistakes are just mistakes.  Don’t get them more power than that.  For more on mistakes, refer back to this blog post.

Today’s post was inspired by a comment on yesterday’s advice by a blogger I just met.

5/20/12: Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Lead by Example

May20

You know how there are some things that I hear that make me completely nuts?  Like when you make a comment that implies that you are just ditzy or in any way not smart?  You know how that makes my head spin?  Here’s another one:  “Do as I say, and not as I do.”

Please don’t ever let me hear you say that…to friends, to little kids, or someday to your kids.  Here’s the thing.  People learn from you by how you act, not by what you say.  That doesn’t mean your words aren’t important…because they are.  It just means that when you say one thing, and do another, it is ONLY what you did that people will remember.

This is most important to remember when you are leading, when you are teaching, when you are interacting with someone who looks up to you.  In those cases, you must walk the walk, and not just talk the talk.  That may sound cliche but it is so very true.

In my last job, I was fortunate enough to lead some pretty awesome people.  And when I left, there were some who went out of their way to tell me that their admiration for me was because of the way that I conducted myself.  They told me that I set an example, that they learned something by observing how I behaved.  And they might have learned something from what I said as well, but I know that if my words and actions had been out of synch….they would have thought I was just another hypocrite.  There is nothing that could honor me more than for someone to think I behaved in a way that they admired. Words are just words.  Actions matter.

If a parent hits, their child will learn to hit.

If a parent is disrespectful, their children will learn disrespect.

If a parent is kind, their children will learn kindness.

It is pretty simple really.  Don’t wait until you have a child.  Set the example with everyone you meet.  When you screw up, lead by example and apologize.

Shine your light into this world, and when you illuminate the way, people will want to follow where you lead.

Practice what you preach.

Walk the Talk.

Lead by Example.