I am having a love/hate relationship with my blog right now. So far, my blog has been about me sharing little nuggets, pieces of advice that I think are good life lessons for you girls. But at the same time, I feel like this little blog is an example of me doing all the talking, and your voice isn’t being heard.
I feel a little like a phony, because I don’t’ always follow my own perfectly brilliant advice. I feel a little sanctimonious for being inspired with such incredible insight (it IS incredible, right??), and worst of all, insecure. When I post a blog, I watch the site stats obsessively to see how many people are “listening” to what I have to say and how many new followers I have. The talking has become the thing, and it is making me feel unsettled, because I don’t necessarily like the me that I see through that lens. These feelings also make me think that this blog is becoming more about me than you, and I don’t like that.
I actually started contemplating putting something completely controversial out there (politics, gay marriage) to stir things up, but I’m afraid I will be criticized, so I hold back saying some of the things that are stirring in me. Despite my advice to you to conquer your fears, I am letting mine hold me back. Fear is what makes me write a blog instead of the book that I have always said I wanted to write.
So even though this is me again…doing the talking, I have to tell you (again) that I don’t always get it right. In fact, I get it wrong most of the time, and this advice comes to you from the knowledge I gained from that mistake, and from knowing there is a better way. I’m scared to fall down. I’m worried that I don’t lead by example. And I’m terrified that you will look back on these years and tell people that you didn’t feel heard.
So today’s advice is for me, so that I will remember that I don’t have all the answers and I need to listen more. I’m not perfect and that is ok. Maybe it is even ok that I write a blog for you when I need the advice as much as you do. I will keep writing because each post and each response plants another little seed of courage and maybe someday it will be enough for me to get serious with my dreams. I will write because I think it will be interesting for us all to look back on this in 10 years and see how our perspectives have changed. I will write because people seem to respond, and even though that response may make me a little too full of myself, it has also been a way to connect with people that I would never have connected with (Shout out Ellie!) And when my ego gets too big, I can always count on you to give me a “You don’t understand.” Or even better, to tell me that you didn’t know I had a blog (sigh). That’ll teach me. 🙂