Archive | May 2012

5/31/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – It’s not a race.

May31

It’s not a race.

More and more, we treat life like a race, like a sprint to some imagined finish line.  We just want to get to the next thing, to be done, to get there.  When we don’t get that instant gratification, when things take longer than we would like, we get discouraged, and want to give up.

Life is not a race.  It is a journey.  Most of the good things happen between the milestones, between the start and the finish (whatever that may be).

When I walk in the Susan G. Komen 3Day for the Cure, the start is exciting and invigorating, designed to pump us up for the journey ahead.  The end is emotional, exhilarating, and is often an emotional highlight of my entire year.  It feels so incredible to finish something so hard.  But between the start and finish is the EXPERIENCE.  The pain of all those steps is a reminder of the battles that people fight every day.  The end wouldn’t be nearly as sweet if the middle wasn’t so hard.  If I treat it like a race, not only do I miss the good stuff, but I risk injury (trust me!) Long journeys  teach me that putting one foot in front of the other, ESPECIALLY when you don’t want to, result in the sweetest finishes.

Don’t get me wrong, beginnings and endings can be beautiful, heartbreaking and memorable.  But they aren’t the only thing.  When we focus on the finish, we lose sight of the now.  If we focus on death, we don’t live.  If we focus on being done, we miss the experience of doing.

So don’t forget the journey.  Don’t focus so much on the end, that you get discouraged or miss something.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Look around.  Slow down.  Eventually you will get there, richer for the experience.

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My new friend from Ireland climbed a mountain last weekend, and her post  had a comment that inspired this.  Someone else who had climbed this mountain was inspired by an old woman who noticed that she looked discouraged and said, “sure, you’ll make it. It’s not a race. You just put one foot in front of the other, and before you know it, you’re there.” (Thanks to Lois  for the inspiration!)

5/25/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters (and me) — Talk less, listen more.

May25

I am having a love/hate relationship with my blog right now.  So far, my blog has been about me sharing little nuggets, pieces of advice that I think are good life lessons for you girls.  But at the same time, I feel like this little blog is an example of me doing all the talking, and your voice isn’t being heard.

I feel a little like a phony, because I don’t’ always follow my own perfectly brilliant advice.  I feel a little sanctimonious for being inspired with such incredible insight (it IS incredible, right??), and worst of all, insecure.  When I post a blog, I watch the site stats obsessively to see how many people are “listening” to what I have to say and how many new followers I have.  The talking has become the thing, and it is making me feel unsettled, because I don’t necessarily like the me that I see through that lens. These feelings  also make me think that this blog is becoming more about me than you, and I don’t like that.

I actually started contemplating putting something completely controversial out there (politics, gay marriage) to stir things up, but I’m afraid I will be criticized, so I hold back saying some of the things that are stirring in me.  Despite my advice to you to conquer your fears, I am letting mine hold me back.  Fear is what makes me write a blog instead of the book that I have always said I wanted to write.

So even though this is me again…doing the talking, I have to tell you (again) that I don’t always get it right.  In fact, I get it wrong most of the time, and this advice comes to you from the knowledge I gained from that mistake, and from knowing there is a better way.  I’m scared to fall down.  I’m worried that I don’t lead by example.  And I’m terrified that you will look back on these years and tell people that you didn’t feel heard.

So today’s advice is for me, so that I will remember that I don’t have all the answers and I need to listen more.  I’m not perfect and that is ok.  Maybe it is even ok that I write a blog for you when I need the advice as much as you do.   I will keep writing because each post and each response plants another little seed of courage and maybe someday it will be enough for me to get serious with my dreams.  I will write because I think it will be interesting for us all to look back on this in 10 years and see how our perspectives have changed.  I will write because people seem to respond, and even though that response may make me a little too full of myself, it has also been a way to connect with people that I would never have connected with (Shout out Ellie!)  And when my ego gets too big, I can always count on you to give me a “You don’t understand.” Or even better, to tell me that you didn’t know I had a blog (sigh). That’ll teach me. 🙂

5/23/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Embrace the gray.

May23

The world will try to convince you that things are black and white.  Us vs. Them, Democrat vs. Republican, Christian vs. Non-christian, Straight vs. Gay, Right vs. Wrong.  You get the idea.

The truth is that there is so much between the two extremes.  When we define people into polarized categories, we focus only on the differences, the blackness and the whiteness, instead of all the gray in between.  That gray represents the things we have in common.  It represents our humanity.

Black and white is easy.  Black and white means you don’t have to think for yourself, you don’t have to wrestle with issues or deal with the humanity all around you.  Picking sides means that you miss out. You miss out on the merits of the people on the other side of the issue, and you miss the great big gray.  The gray is where you learn.  It is where you find common ground with people you thought you had nothing in common with.  It is where you learn compassion for the human condition and all of the things that make black and white not work.

So embrace the gray, and all the uncertainty that comes with it.  Doing so will unlock a rainbow of color in your life.

5/22/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Fall down a lot.

May22

I’m not suggesting that you become more clutzy, God knows we don’t need any help with that.

My friend, Stephanie has a little girl named Katie.  She reminds me so much of you when you are little, that I absolutely adore her.  I could just watch her all day.  When her mom asked her why she has so many bruises on her legs, she replied, “I fall down a lot.”  Hearing that story got me to thinking.

I know this little girl is FULL of life.  She runs around and dances and wrestles with her brother.  Her exuberance for life just makes me happy.  She falls down a lot.  Perhaps she is a little clutzy, but I think she falls down a lot because she is always DOING stuff.  You can’t fall down if you are sitting still.  You can’t fall down when life is passing you by.  You fall down a lot when you are LIVING.

Falling down a lot is about being willing to try and fail and get up again.  It is about going after what you want, living life to the fullest and not worrying about whether it will all work out perfectly.  Being willing to fall down a lot means you are going after things exuberantly and that you know that in order to succeed, you first have to try, and be willing to risk failure.  When failure comes, falling down a lot means that you get up again and again and again.  It is the “a lot” that makes it so cool, because it means that the first time you fell down, you tried again.

I hope that you fall down gently, but I also hope you fall down a lot.

5/21/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Screw up gracefully.

May21

Before you get all excited and think that I have just given you permission to screw up…hold your horses young lady.  All my other advice about doing good, leading by example still holds true.

But, when you screw up (and you WILL screw up), one of the most important things that you need to learn is how to recover grace-fully.  I’m not talking about the way you might jump up after fallling on your face when you tripped over some imaginary thing in the middle of the floor (after all, you ARE my daughters, so this is bound to happen).  Don’t get me wrong, that kind of recovery is also important.  Hint: jump up, look around and if nobody is looking, just go about your business and try not to limp.  If someone saw you, then you just have to laugh.  What else are you going to do?  I also highly recommend telling as many people as possible about your fall.  It makes for great conversation and makes you seem more human. (I’ve had lots of practice with this.)  But I digress…

As you grow up and move away from the safety of home, remember that it is always important for you to have an escape route.  Know your plan B and when you will execute it.  What I am really talking about is learning to recognize that you have made a mistake and learning to recover without digging a deeper hole.  You see, we are human and we have a really hard time admitting when we are wrong.  Sometimes we become so committed to our mistake that we can’t see our way out.  We throw good money after bad, both literally and figuratively.  So stop the madness.  Know that it is ok to be wrong.  It is ok to screw up.  Admit it, plan your escape, apologize and move on.  Give yourself grace.  Recover grace-fully.

Most important, never ever forget to apologize to those who your mistake has hurt.  A genuine apology can right a whole lot of wrongs. Giving grace, accepting grace…recovering grace-fully.

Remember that mistakes are just mistakes.  Don’t get them more power than that.  For more on mistakes, refer back to this blog post.

Today’s post was inspired by a comment on yesterday’s advice by a blogger I just met.

5/20/12: Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Lead by Example

May20

You know how there are some things that I hear that make me completely nuts?  Like when you make a comment that implies that you are just ditzy or in any way not smart?  You know how that makes my head spin?  Here’s another one:  “Do as I say, and not as I do.”

Please don’t ever let me hear you say that…to friends, to little kids, or someday to your kids.  Here’s the thing.  People learn from you by how you act, not by what you say.  That doesn’t mean your words aren’t important…because they are.  It just means that when you say one thing, and do another, it is ONLY what you did that people will remember.

This is most important to remember when you are leading, when you are teaching, when you are interacting with someone who looks up to you.  In those cases, you must walk the walk, and not just talk the talk.  That may sound cliche but it is so very true.

In my last job, I was fortunate enough to lead some pretty awesome people.  And when I left, there were some who went out of their way to tell me that their admiration for me was because of the way that I conducted myself.  They told me that I set an example, that they learned something by observing how I behaved.  And they might have learned something from what I said as well, but I know that if my words and actions had been out of synch….they would have thought I was just another hypocrite.  There is nothing that could honor me more than for someone to think I behaved in a way that they admired. Words are just words.  Actions matter.

If a parent hits, their child will learn to hit.

If a parent is disrespectful, their children will learn disrespect.

If a parent is kind, their children will learn kindness.

It is pretty simple really.  Don’t wait until you have a child.  Set the example with everyone you meet.  When you screw up, lead by example and apologize.

Shine your light into this world, and when you illuminate the way, people will want to follow where you lead.

Practice what you preach.

Walk the Talk.

Lead by Example.

5/11/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Sometimes you have to walk away.

May11

Walking away.  Now this is a tough one. 

This is follow up to yesterday’s advice. 

Sometimes when you have done all the right things, and you have worked hard to clean up your messes, they still look like the “other brand” in the Bounty papertowel commercials.  They are just a soggy, shredded mess.  When that happens, your heart probably feels pretty shredded and messy too.

Sometimes you will try to fix something that isn’t fixable, not because your heart isn’t right, but because the other person’s heart is closed.  And when that happens, you have to chalk up your losses and walk away.  Before you do that, you need to forgive, because if you don’t, when you walk away you will carry that darkness in your heart.  That darkness is a gift that keeps on giving, whether you like it or not.

So forgive, be grateful for the times when your relationship was good…and walk away.

There are some friends who enter your life for a reason.  Others for a season.  And the rarest and most precious of all, some who enter for a lifetime.  You need to learn to recognize the difference, and give yourself permission to accept it for what it is.  Each of these types of friendships is important and beautiful but will play a different role in your life.  It is ok.  The time you have with any friend is a gift.  But sometimes, as hard as it will be, you will have to walk away.  Walking away can be a lttle bit like friendship.  Sometimes you will have to walk away for a reason, sometimes just for a season…and the rarest and hardest of all, sometimes for a lifetime. 

Make no mistake…this advice will NEVER apply to your mother.  Because no matter where you go, what you do, or what relationships you clean up or walk away from, I will never stop loving you.  You will always be on the “worth it” list.  No matter how big of a mess we might find ourselves in, I will never stop digging to get to you. And I will never, ever walk away.

5/10/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Clean up your messes.

May10

Clean up your messes. Profound huh?

I have been on a bit of a cleaning kick lately.  A couple of weeks ago, I spent about two days de-cluttering all of the common areas of our house as well as our bedroom.  The result was a house that just made me feel better.  When I did it, Mark was traveling and you girls were at our dad’s, so maintaining my pristinely clean bubble didn’t take too much effort.  When everyone came back, I threatened your lives if you left messes and was determined that the current state would be maintained.

Little by little, things appeared on surfaces, dishes appeared in the sink and little things got by.  Isn’t that how it always goes?  So I scrambled around and got it all back in shape and I realized for the 1000th time in my life that it is easier to maintain something than to get it there in the first place.  Messes have a way of creeping up on us when we don’t tend to them.  A few drops of spilled milk can stink up a whole lot of space if we don’t mop it up.

By now you know I’m not just talking about dishes right??

Relationships are a lot like clutter.  When we take care of them, tend to them a little every day and clean out the trash, they stay fresh, and restful and good.  When we let little things go unresolved and let frustration fester, the little messes turn into big messes and those messes put our relationships at risk. 

And if you think I’m saying this whole maintenance thing is easy, please read on.  This is HARD.  It takes a little bit of work every day and a lot of work some days.  But you know what?  Friends and family are worth it.  They deserve your honesty when they have hurt you.  They deserve the trust that you have to place in them by telling them that something needs to change.  People are just people, and sometimes they don’t know.  People who would never knowingly hurt you in a million years deserve to know when they have unknowingly done so because they think YOU are worth it….worth the change, worth fixing it, worth the work.

I have learned this the hard way (by not doing it) and the easier way (accomplished through loving friends and partners who also believed it was worth it).  Although the work you put into your clutter every day can sometimes seem like a pain, and it can be hard…it will never be as hard as a broken relationship or a lost friend. 

So yes, clean up your messes…the big ones and the small ones.  Tend to your clutter and tend to your relationships daily.  That little bit of work is a whole lot easier than digging out from under a pile.

And when things get past you, and they begin to stink, don’t give up.  Grace is a great deodorizer.

5/9/12: Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Use Time Wisely

May9

First, there is the obvious.  Wasted time is just, well…a waste.  We all do it, we all wish we didn’t.  It causes missed deadlines, missed opportunities and missed lessons. 

But more than that, time is a gift.  None of us know how much we have.  Each second is a gift from God and every second that we squander is a rejection of that gift. 

I’d go on, but this guy says it better:

5/4/12 Today’s Advice to My Beautiful Daughters – Gratitude

May4

Never stop being grateful.  Sometimes even the things in life that drive you crazy, hurt your heart and just generally suck, are the things that produce the most fruit in your life. 

It is easy to be grateful for the good stuff…a new outfit, a privilege earned, good times with friends.  But what about the things that are hard?  How easy is it to be grateful for the mistake that you made because the consequences taught you something?  How about the fight you had with a friend that eventually drew you closer to them?  How long will it take for you to be grateful for some of the lessons I have taught you, especially the ones that cramp your style and make things tricky? 

I am grateful for the bad bosses I have had, because I learned what kind of boss I wanted to be.  I’m grateful for the fights that we have had when you told me that I hurt your feelings, because knowing makes it easier for me to avoid doing it again.  I’m grateful for the rules my mom imposed on me as a teenager because I know now that she was trying to keep me safe while she prepared me for life. 

This one is hard to even type, but as much as it hurts you and me still, I’m grateful for my divorce because the pain of my mistakes has made me a better person now.  Almost all that I know about relationships, I learned from that time.  And despite all that pain, I’m grateful for your dad because he never turned bitterness into a battle, and we have been able to co-parent you peacefully, cooperatively and with the love that we both feel for you.

Most of all, I’m grateful for you.  I’m grateful for every childhood tantrum and free expression of emotion.  I’m grateful for all you have taught me about being a mom.  I’m SO grateful that even when I drive you crazy, you still like to hang out and you haven’t shut me out of your life.  I’m grateful for all that you have become and that you have weathered my mistakes so well.  I’m grateful that you make being your mom the most complete joy of  my life, even the bad parts.

This post was inspired by this Elastamom’s Excerpts post.